Here it is. First real post on my not-first real blog.
I’ll just jump right in; no need for fancy intros.
So this past year has been extremely hard.
I may have shared with some about how hard, but I want to be perfectly honest and say that being in seminary, moving (x2), and being away from the people I have come to really rely upon has often been like one horrible fire ant-infested, 100+ degrees picnic.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have loved getting to know the people I have met in seminary and what I am learning, but sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it, if the costs have been worth it. Relationships. Home. Church. I could have never anticipated the current depth of turmoil within my heart. The sins and struggles. The fears and doubts. The sadness and anger.
I read the beautiful Psalm 19 this past week. It’s all wonderful but verses 7-14 especially struck me:
The law of the Lord is perfect reviving the soul;
the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple;
the precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes;
the fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever;
the rules of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether.
More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb.
Moreover, by them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.
Who can discern his errors?
Declare me innocent from hidden faults.
Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me!
Then I shall be blameless, and innocent of great transgression.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
And then I was reminded that Jesus is the Word.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it…And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. ~ John 1:1-5; 14
I have never put these two passages together. So then I reread this part of Psalm 19 and understood it like this:
Jesus revives the soul.
Jesus makes the simple wise.
Jesus rejoices the heart.
Jesus enlightens the eyes.
Jesus endures forever.
Jesus is righteous and true.
Jesus is to be desired more than gold and sweeter also than honey.
Jesus is the reward.
Only Jesus can declare me innocent.
Jesus, my rock and redeemer.
I found that to be so beautiful and real. I needed to hear those truths in that new way.
My prayer right now continues to be these words I read in a poem by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, “I do not understand Your ways, but You know the way for me.”
I may doubt what life looks like right now, but I can choose to trust the One who does not only keep his Word but who also is his Word.
Photo: “Girl Reading” by Emma Leonard